Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
