My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I supernannyed him into submission
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
