Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
