Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
