i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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