you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
