First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
