Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
