yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
