Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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