I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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