You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
