so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
