there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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