saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
