i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
