I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
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they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
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I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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