I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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