At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
NoShamevember. You game?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
