I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
