I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
