my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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