I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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