oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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