The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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