Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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