Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
