dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
