omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
