my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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