I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
