i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
