i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
