there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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