So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
