he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
