I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize