Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Randomize
