you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
