i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
