ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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