The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
