and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
