I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
