I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
