when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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