God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
