how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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