she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
