Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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