forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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