Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
