ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
