I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
