we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
