Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
